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Christian Dating Standards
An Interview with Dannah Gresh
by Brooke Caton
One of the top selling Christian youth authors in the world,
Dannah Gresh is best known for the bestselling
And the Bride Wore White (Moody Publishers) and the Secret Keeper series (Moody Publishers/FamilyLife).
Dannah's most recent release targeting adult women is Five Little Questions That Reveal the Life God Designed for You
(Thomas Nelson). Dannah is a frequent guest on national radio and television programs and has been a featured contributor to many of today's most prominent Christian magazines. Dannah knows and understands the pressures that Christian teens face.
We're delighted to be able to bring her unique insight in a recent
interview.
Brooke: Why should you only date someone who meets all the criteria of someone you would marry?
Dannah Gresh: I think that God wants us to have a plan for our life and if your heart is pursuing that plan, then you know that part of that is finding someone that complements that plan. And that’s a real different view than the world has of dating, it’s not about
"Gee this is a fun guy." It’s not about "Gee this guy is hot." It’s about, “Is this guy going to bring me closer to the plan God has for my life?” And I should say that I was really blessed to not date a guy more than once. It’s possible that I would have dated a guy for a few months and then realized,
"Wow he really isn’t the list." I think that the point is not how much you see a guy or not, it’s how much you’re willing to commit to God’s vision of your life and being really open to that being the goal for how you date. It’s really backwards - the world’s kind of says, “Hey, this guy’s cute, go date him, see what happens, see where it leads.” And God really says, “Where am I leading you? What’s the vision for your life? Then we’ll see who fits into it.”
Brooke: If someone has minor things that don’t fit ‘the list’ would you recommend dating them?
Dannah Gresh: I think that you take that to the Lord and say, “Okay God, I’m a little convicted about this. I thought that my husband would be funny, but this guy is a
dry as toast, Lord. You know, in every other area he seemed right, but he’s not funny… Lord, am I supposed to compromise on that or is it really important? Was it just something that I wanted?” And you ask the Lord, and then the bible tells us that
when we have wise counsel our plans succeed but without wise counsel we
fail. So, you ask your Mom, you ask your Dad, you ask your youth pastor’s wife - you get that wise counsel so that you know that if you are changing something on that list, it’s because God is changing your heart.
Brooke: Would you consider it to be wrong to have a boyfriend or be dating someone that you don’t think you’re going to marry for sure, even if you stay physically pure?
Dannah Gresh: Well, what would be the point? If you’re spending time with a guy that you know
is not headed towards marriage, I guess, you know - they say that every date is a potential mate, and your heart is so easily entwined. My heart is so easily entwined, and so if we stay in a relationship that we know for some reason isn’t what God would have for us for the future then we’re really putting our heart at risk. And we’re really putting the vision that God put in front of us at risk because Satan is constantly on the lookout to find ways to derail us from our God designed purpose. And one of the most powerful ways he [Satan] does that is by connecting us to people in our lives that don’t share the vision that we have. And that distracts us from it. So you have to be really careful in dating a guy just for the sake of doing it.
Brooke: In your book, you warn
us against "wearing your heart on your sleeve." What do you mean
by that?
Dannah Gresh: Well, I think that, from just a practical point of view, if you’re letting God govern the decisions you make in your relationship, then you’re real careful with your heart – you’re not running around and chasing some guy down. You’re letting him lead from a scriptural point of view. God says that the husband is the head of the wife, and I believe that that’s a really holy charge for a man because the bible says that he’s supposed to love his wife like Christ loved the church, and Christ gave his life for the church. So it’s really not a subservient thing to have the husband be the head of the home. It’s an honor for the wife because the husband has to be in this position of making his life subservient to her needs. But when you just throw your emotions out at the beginning of the relationship and you’re rushing into it… a lot of times that begins to set the pace for the woman to lead the way - and all kinds of things. And so it’s just a good training ground for the biblical standard that you want to have in your marriage and letting him set the pace. So, guarding your heart carefully, just waiting for him to lead the way in decisions that are made, holding your tongue when you have advice on how you think the next phase of the relationship should be - it’s a good way to make room for him to be a leader.
Brooke: What would you consider the appropriate standards for dating in
college to be?
Dannah Gresh: Well, I think that even when you are in college, you should go back to the advice of your parents, and so, it’s going to be different for everybody. Some people are going to have parents who say, “You know, I really still want to be involved in whoever you're going to be dating. So if he wants to ask you out, he can call me - the phone number still works from two states away, the e-mail still works.” You know, some parents are going to say, “I want to be involved.” Other parents aren’t going to be that involved, but I think that [you should be] keeping your parents involved in whatever your standards are. But no matter what your standards are, I think one of the things that you really can’t deny is that it’s wise to keep whatever kind of dating you do in a public place. My husband and I were never really alone much until after we were married because the temptation was just too great. When the passion and the love is there, you know, in your heart ‘this is probably the one’ - the temptation doesn’t decrease, it escalates. And so just staying in places - date in the student lounge, date at the laundromat, date at the library. Date [in places] where there are going to be people around- that aren’t nosing in on your conversation. You’re still having privacy, you can still
be intimate emotionally with each other, but you have a safe guard as far as what you would do.
Brooke: Do you think that it’s all right to casually date?
Dannah Gresh: Well, I think if you’re just kind of trying to figure out, “Is this a guy that I’d like to spend more time with, is this a guy that I can invest some time into?” - just something that’s a little more than casual is okay, until you know. And then if you’re just in a casual relationship because there’s nothing else out there, and you have to have a guy, then something is spiritually is off course. So, it just depends on where God is telling you where your heart is. The key is staying so tethered to God’s heart that you’re not distracted by anything else that your heart is feeling.
Brooke: Where would you say the appropriate and reasonable stopping point for a couple should be?
Dannah Gresh: I think the goal needs to be to save everything you possibly can for your wedding night. You know, just a touch can be so electrifying - just two hands touching - can be so powerful. But many people, by the time they got married, have had major make out sessions and a touch doesn’t really do that much for them. I want my kids to save those tender touches, you know, I’ve put out there in front of all three of my children that I would love for them to wait until they’re at least engaged, or maybe at the wedding altar, is where they share their first kiss. Now, that’s a really high standard and I don’t think that anything in scripture says that that’s the standard. But my experience has taught me that there is a beauty in setting your standard as high as you can possibly stand to set it. I have seen such wonderful payoff in the couples that have been able to do that. I certainly didn’t do that and I don’t know that I would have set my standard as having my first kiss on my wedding night but that’s the one I’m throwing out there. You know, if you can reach for that, what is wrong with having yourself just
wrecked for holding hands or kissing on your wedding night because there is still so much electricity still in you! So that’s not God’s answer, that’s my suggestion, that’s my challenge, if you will. Just throw it out there and instead of saying, “How far can I go?,” ask the question, “How much can I save?”
Brooke: What should teenagers be doing during this time of their lives?
Dannah Gresh: Well, keep yourself focused on things that God is calling you to. You know, use this period of singleness to serve Him, be excited about something - whether it’s going on mission trips, or learning how to ride a horse, or being in a Christian band. And if you have passions that distract you from boredom, you’re going to have a lot less temptation. Find out what your purpose is. Your purpose in life doesn’t start when you graduate from college. Your purpose in life starts as soon as you’re old enough to understand that we’re supposed to do unto others as we would have them do unto us. So what’s your purpose right now? Invest in that. Do it. And you’re going to find that you experience less temptation.
Brooke: If you could sum up
your most important advise about dating in college what would it be?
Dannah Gresh: I think just to stay anchored to accountability is so important. Especially when you go away to college and you lose your network of accountability that you’ve built up throughout high school, your own church, your youth group, your parents. It’s really important, before you get into any kind of dating relationship, to get yourself into a church community. Even if you’re at a Christian college I think you have to build your own personal community when you get there. Find out who’s your accountability partner. Find out who’s in your bible study core group or your accountability core group. Know who your spiritual authority is there. If you go to church or if you’re involved in some sort of ministry - after that - then you have a network set up to help you make decisions about relationships. So a lot of times, you hit the college campus and right away you're dating a new girl or a new guy every other night. And that’s really not a good idea. Get your spiritual accountability in place first, and then go out there and ask God if there’s somebody that He would have you to be spending some time with.
Brooke: Thank you, Dannah!
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